I have been shown that I am not here to just talk about peace, but to purge my own mind of everything that is not peaceful and loving, and let my own self be healed. The only way to do so, is through exposing everything that is in need of the Light.
Tom and I arrived here with the intention to visit friends in gorgeous California. The instant we stepped onto the land we both felt "this is exactly where we are suppose to be!" We were asked to trust and have faith that all would work out. We have, and it IS.
We began this adventure in Frazier Park California, up in the mountains, attending some crops and truly exploring our ideas about our company MakeShyft R.D.A. We were no longer going to be non-for-profit, but a company at large. We were told that we were here to demonstrate a company that GIVES and a company that serves ALL the world, and so we are put on the SAME platform as all other companies. This made perfect sense as we are here to BE the demonstration. It also spawned in me time for stillness, contemplation and renewal around these new ideas.
This inevitably brought Tom and I closer, and cleansed out BOTH our minds of lingering grievances that we both had formed over the years. We both communicated, were honest and truly healed together. It was a very very healing experience for the two of us and brought us to a new level with us both. We inevitably chose Gods Will and the holiness in each other yet again, to be realigned back to Gods peace.
Since then I noticed that even deeper triggers were brought up in me when our roomamate mirrored to me the actions of my Father when I was younger. My dad worked alot, and because of this it caused contention between the relationship with him and my mom. When they split up when I was 12, my dad was labelled as having an "anger problem" and for years I believed it, saw it, and experienced the wrath of it. I did not realize that my way to protect my self from this "wrath of dad" was to get sick. But thats what I did. I used suffering and stomach nausea as a way to to separate and become reclusive from my dad. It was a way of self defence (so I thought at the time). When I was in Frazier park, my roomamte played this role of "abuser" for me and this was my first time experiencing this dynamic since with my dad when I was really young. Since this was the energy of the home, I found I got really sick, and stayed in my room alot. What this did was bring up EXACTLY what I needed to see, that was unhealed in me, so that I could also bring this to the light. This enabled me to welcome forgiveness for everyone in this dynamic, including my dad, my roomamte and my self. (mind you I did not see this and forgive all this, until I lef the home.... but I will explain further)
Near the end of our time in the FP Tom and I spent a weekend in LA in a hotel.. During this time, we felt the call to take a pregnancy test as it had been weeks since "miss. flow" had been present. When I did, guess what the news was.... yup! .... we are having a baby :) We have been preparing for this event in our minds for the last year and a half knowing that it would be happening soon. We just didnt know this soon! We were and are very happy and overjoyed that this soul has chosen us as her parents here. This now posed us a new questions...are we to stay in California, or go home? Our visa was about to expire and either we were going to put all our money towards a visa extension or a plane trip home. All the guidance necessary to make this choice came, and it was absolutely conclusive that YES we will stay in California and let the arms of the divine carry us the rest of the way.
As soon as we went back to FP, the deep sickness hit me and my mornings were a complete write off. Because of this, more stories were made in the mind of my roommate and more distance between us continued. There was one day that everything collided and he finally told us to leave. That very afternoon we had a friend come pick us up and take us back to his house. Its in being here, in LA with our friend Tom V, that I have let myself recuperate and truly heal within me.
So now Tom (my hubby) and I are here at Tom V's, with no money, no plane ticket home to Canada, pregnant and trusting God all the way! We dont know where we are suppose to be, or what is most helpful at this time, we are just following the guidance given us one day at a time. We have applied to what is called YCombinator, an accelerator for startups and we will hear back from them in the next few weeks. We are feeling called to the San Fransisco Bay area, but truly know nothing as to how this will all happen and transpire for us. We are literally in this place of trust, and we have nothing else.
Our life has already demonstrated to us that we are perfectly safe in following Gods PLan and we will ALWAYS be taken care of. There is no reason for this to stop now. We can fail in nothing. As long as we continue to listen, learn and do, we will be just fine. Its been tempting having the thoughts of the baby in my mind and wanting to settle down. But I know that all things will happen as they are intended to happen, and not how I "think" they should be. I am thus trying to remain vigilant in my mind for God and be as stable in my thinking as possible. I feel that all the "darkness" that was brought up in my mind while here was to prepare me for this pregnancy. Its allowing me to be free, healed and whole, that I may give ONLY Gods Love and trust to this beautiful baby and all the world. I feel that this has been just another demonstration, for myself, to show me that I AM choosing Gods plan over anything this world has to offer.... and because of this choice, all of us, are perfectly safe.
Now we are waiting to hear back about our extension on our visa, as well as YCombinator and where we are to live after our time in LA is through. Perhaps we are to go back to Canada in a few weeks? Perhaps we are to stay here in California and travel else where? Perhaps something else unexpected will happen and take us in a totally new direction I have no clue.... but I wish to be where ever God wills me to be, and because of this, I am okay being patient and waiting for the next step to be given us. May Gods Will be done.