I was obsessed with working out, because I was trying to reach the "perfect" body, but I was really only working out so hard, because I was binge eating at night time and making myself sick. It was a perpetual judgement, guilt, and trying to solve the guilt my own way that caused tremendous pain, and a cycle of physical abuse. I was perpetually sabotaging myself, because I thought I had to meet this false expectation in my mind, before I was worthy of Love. This went on for years, hidden to the outside world, but it literally "ate away" at my insides, as I was infested with not only food, but tremendous guilt. The weight would fluctuate on my body, and I thought "now I have this out ward exterior to represent my inner turmoil." I was embarrassed to be my self!
What does matter, is why am I attracted to something that will only cause me guilt and suffering?
The attraction to guilt is one of ego's strongest weapons. Guilt is the basis and platform of all egos temptations. The attraction to guilt IS the addiction. Nothing in this world is a cause of anything. The cause is always hidden in our minds, as to why we are choosing to embark on an activity that only bring us GUILT. There may be a limited, momentarily release AS you are eating the candies, or AS you are drinking the liquor…. But once its down, ego grabs you at the other end and tears you down the rabbit whole of guilt. Now you see all the wrappers and empty bottles, feeling horrible in the body, and hating on the self. It is not the candy, drugs or alcohols "fault", its not the "person or situations" fault, and its not OUR fault either......it is the mind that is using it for its own purpose that is perpetuating the struggle. And its key to note here, that we are NOT our minds. Thus WE, as the power beyond the mind, the strength that observes the mind; And this awareness can question through reason, the purpose these "addictions" have and let them go! What are these addictions FOR??
It's never the substance that is the problem, it's the meaning we have given to it. When I look at the meaning, and ask what is it for, I see I do it as a means of punishing myself. This is the point of separation. When I choose to punish myself, I choose to see myself separate from God. It's that simple.
We often turn to these avenues of food choices or substance abuse, because we want to cover up the current pain and punish ourselves into feeling guilty and not good enough. When we do so, we feel so unworthy of Love, that we ultimately are keeping the only Love, the Love of God, outside our awareness. This keeps us thinking we need to "get out of this problem ourselves" when really it is the awareness of "what is this for" that needs to be made clear. What am I using this addiction/substance FOR? We are not to try to just "stop" the behavior, for it is a change of mind that need to be had for any permanent change to occur.
When I previously struggled with a "food addiction"....that was what I was shown as well...that I was addicted to the guilt from the aftermath of it all. It had nothing to do with the food, or my inability to "stop". When I began to question "what is this for?"... I realized I was sabotaging myself because my goal was a "healthy perfect body". Because of this goal (of ego/body), ego also used it as a weapon to go down the rabbit hold of guilt.
When I saw I was asking for health of BODY, instead of health of MIND....is when I changed my mind about what I wanted.
Since that day, I have never had a "problem" again. All thats left is the peace and innocence of myself, and others.... and the opportunity to enjoy the shit out of food, free of guilt, my own thoughts, or meaning of any kind. I am now able to help others who are caught in the vicious cycle of addiction as I once was.
Oh its a beautiful thing reason is. For learning IS questioning the ego. The ego is resistant to questioning, for in the questions are its very undoing. Reasoning and contemplation is our power, to figure out "what am I asking for" and change our minds about what we think we want. We learn first to tackle the CAUSE that is in our mind, and become aware of what the true problem IS before we can welcome the SOLUTION. And there IS a solution, so this quest is a happy one. A quest to inner inquiry as to root cause of the suffering and addiction. Its in the mind, so all we have to do is look there.
So in conclusion, Do what brings you Peace, but not a momentary peace. One bite of chocolate candy can bring a moment of peace, followed by hours of forgiving the guilt. Why choose the candy in the first place? If I honestly look at the candy, why would I eat it knowing it will disturb my peace? Why not eat foods that will bring me Peace? Crazy ego. Ego is so insane that you gotta laugh. And now that we are all laughing at the bondage ego puts on us, we realize that it is up to US to change our minds about it.
In changing our minds about what we WANT, we put our life and addictions in the hands of the holy spirit. This enables us to undo the error, in the mind, and finally leave the guilty infeseted addictions behind.
Choose to place this "problem/addiction" in the hands of our Soul/Holy Spirit; and the Ego will have NO power over "you" any more.
As we change our minds about the problem, and choose to listen to a new mind, we ARE free…. And in freeing ourselves, we can help others who are stuck in the same rut we once were. "I will heal, as I let Him teach me to heal."
You have done nothing wrong. You are forgiven for what you thought you did wrong. You have power over your mind, and therefore power over the substance and food abuse. You are loved. You are worthy of health. In your power to question your thinking, you are freed of all the guilt and pain. Let yourself be healed, pray for healing of your mind, and the cause of the abuse in your mind to be undone. In truly calling for help inwardly, you will receive it. For you ARE loved, you ARE worthy of healing. I love you.